72 days.

Dear Analin,

It's been 72 days since we lost you. In some ways, it seems like it was yesterday. In other ways, it seems like it was in some other life - at times it even seems like it wasn't me that it happened to. But it did. We lost you and we miss you. Every day.

I cannot help but feel responsible for what happened to you. I'm your Daddy. I'm supposed to look after you. And I didn't. I know that it's not helpful to think that way. 'Silly Daddy' you'd say and beat me up with kisses. In my head, I know there was nothing anyone could have done to save you. But I have trouble convincing my heart of that. 

Maybe it's just that it's easier with someone to blame. Maybe it's some silly man-thing. I don't know. I know that I miss you and that life has been changed forever for our family. There were supposed to be 5 in our little family, here in our little house. Instead, as I've started to tell people, there's 4 of us here and 1 of us in Heaven. You, our beautiful baby-girl. 

You know, I've struggled a lot with this whole God-business for a long time. Since we lost you, I've struggled even harder. But as your Mommy pointed out to me last night, 'How can you be so angry with someone, if you don't believe in him?'. She's smart lady, your Mommy. She gave me a lot to think about. But I'm not sure when I'll be able to put words to my feelings on that topic.

It's almost Christmas time. Your Mommy has been wrapping presents for everyone. If you were here, we'd have gotten lots for you too. We would have gotten you cute 'Baby's First Christmas' outfits. Since your Uncle Martin is coming to see us this Christmas, we bought you an outfit that said 'I love my Uncle'. I also saw these beautiful dresses at the store, that I was going to buy for you - and keep it as a secret from your Mommy. But we don't get to. Instead we get to think about you all the time, send sky-lanterns up to you on Christmas Eve and remember you. Know that we will always remember you. You're our daughter, Analin. Nothing ever changes that. 

I just so wish that you could be here with us instead of in Heaven. Every day I wish that. 

It's been 72 days since we lost you. I miss you.

Love you forever,

Daddy.