Daughters

Dear Analin,

This has been the year of the girl. As in, I don't have one.

Ugh. I feel ... not great ... writing that, but it's the truth.

My grandfather tried to say something once. It affected me differently than he'd hoped, yet I've come to understand he was walking a fine line between trying to let me know he understands and not criticizing his faith. He said something along the lines of it being unfair when God doesn't give us the chance of both daughters and sons. It was after you were born, I don't exactly know when.

The words shocked my brain and got buried somewhere until I could deal with them and sort through them. Emotions tend to filter what we say and what we feel, so allowing time to pass was perfect for this. I hope I figured it out right. He was saying it was unfair I didn't get my chance despite the promise of it. I have said as much myself.

The thing is - and I may have written this before because it isn't a new feeling - I am a good mom. I am having an amazing experience raising your brothers. I am devastated I won't get my chance with you.

This year, through a lot of silence and thinking, I've been sorting through quite a bit. I wrote earlier that I was in denial. Yes and no. Denial, a lot of pain, and those things tend to shut me down on the outside. On the inside, it's all still going, all still burning. I miss you. I really do. I feel robbed. But I also feel cheated. Because I was given a daughter along with my sons, and she was taken away.

I prepared. Not only with clothes and toys and blankets, but mentally, psychologically. Dreams were spun, possibilities abounded. Clothes shopping, spa appointments, lessons on being a girl, on becoming a woman, all of that plays through a mother's mind while her daughter grows. And I can't. Not with you.

This year has been about figuring out my pain and the different levels, of separating what I want from what I'm going to miss. I want a daughter, I do. I know she could never be you. But I do not want to be pregnant again. It's too hard, too scary. And there's a chance I simply can't carry girls and if I tried and failed again .... Nope. I cannot do it.

There are other ways of having a daughter. Now that I've sorted through all of that, perhaps your dad and I can think about those other ways. Honestly, I'm not ready for any new baby right now, but that's okay, too. As with my grandfather's words, time can be your best friend with decisions like these. There is a lot to think about, a lot to learn about myself and our family. Still a lot to learn about living without you.

You are forever in my heart.

Mommy.