The 'Would Have Dones'

Dear Analin,

Some of the hardest things about losing you are the 'would have dones'. Especially here at Christmas. 

For Christmas, we would have bought you presents. I would have bought you cute little pink Christmas outfits - most likely going over-board. I would have proudly shown you off at Christmas family parties, we would have left the Google Christmas party early so we could get home to you. We would have played with you in the water at Great Wolf Lodge, telling the other parents that you were two and half months old and doing great and yes, you were the youngest of 3 but you had two older brothers to look out for you and yes, that would just be amazing when you started school. We would have done family pictures with you in them, instead of your bear. Your Faster (aunt) Lise would have met you and Sebastian for the first time, instead of only Sebastian. Your Uncle Martin would have shared all the knowledge he has about raising girls - we would definitely have bought matching 'Dads Against Daughters Dating' t-shirts. My father's Christmas card would have included a paragraph about how big you were when you were born and how both you and Mommy were doing well. How I long for those words.

Instead, I missed you more intensely here at Christmas. I looked at every cute little Christmas outfit with sadness. I dreaded attending Christmas parties and didn't attend the Google party this year - simply because I couldn't face it. I looked on with a broken heart as the other parents played with their newborns in the water at Great Wolf Lodge, never once getting to share with them what a beautiful girl you are and how amazing your brothers have been since you were born. Your Faster Lise played with Sebastian in the toddler-pool and I just wished so much that she was looking after both you and him. My father's Christmas card had a paragraph about you and about how perfect you are - but it missed that line - that both you and Mommy were doing well. 

I envisioned so many moments as you grew inside your Mommy. So many hopes and dreams. Your Mommy wrote about the joy of finding out you were a girl. From that moment on, I started longing for that moment when you would call me 'Daddy'. I will long for that forever.

I miss you, Analin.


Daddy.