New Year

Dear Analin,

We're minutes from the new year. It will be 2014 by the time I finish writing this, we're so close. It has been such a difficult day. I've been pretty terrified all day that 2013 wasn't quite done with us yet. Your daddy and big brother, Sebastian, have been sick. We've had a few trips out on semi-icy roads and I held my breath the whole way.

With this year ending, I'm becoming more certain your loss was for a reason. I know that's horrible to think, and that many people won't agree with me, but I can't help it. Perhaps it's the way your father and I met, or many other thing throughout my life, but I truly believe in Fate. I believe the road we're taken on is intended to be the best for us. Because I believe this, it means I have to see this as not only the best road for me, but also the best road for you.

It's such a hard end to the year. So many people in your family are hurting, but we hope and pray the new year brings us something different, something positive. We have all been beat up this year by many things, one of the greatest being your loss, and other babies. Loss of family units and homes. It's been hard and we are so looking forward to something easier.

We miss you so much at times like this - times you should be with us. But looking forward, perhaps, I'm seeing reasons why you're not. I don't like a single one of them. I don't believe for a minute we couldn't have met the challenges before us with you. Meeting them without you is quite a different challenge, as it is.

Ugh. I have to admit, I'm not entirely sober writing this, so I hope it's not completely crazy. Your big brother, Joshua, is begging me to take him to bed, his first real New Years Night. And all I can think of right now is writing you and letting you know that I miss you so very much it hurts every moment, but I also appreciate you in a way very few can understand, and will be able to keep going with just your memory.

I love you, beautiful girl, on this fantastic New Year Night as it heads into day, and all the others in front of and behind it. I have to take your brother to bed now.

Forever thinking of and missing you. Happy New Year, Analin.

Love from your Mommy.