Good Grief

Dear Analin,

Your daddy told me something that your uncle had told him. It's an observation he made about how we're handling our grief for you. He said something along the lines of seeing us accept grief as a part of ourselves -as if it were an arm or a leg - rather than looking at grief as something to tackle or to fix.

I think that's a very true observation. From the moment I found out you were gone, I knew I would be okay, that our whole family would. We would hurt, we would be angry, and we would miss you forever, but we would be okay. And we have been. We have been supporting each other through this in every way - pushing, dragging and walking along side each other with every step. Accepting grief as something that will always be with us, rather than something to try to patch over or forget.

I was feeling guilty, admittedly, for not obsessing over you every day, for not being angry or devastated, but for moving on with what I have left in my life, which is still full of love. So many people who have lost their own babies seem bogged down by it, heartbroken in a way that can't be fixed. But I don't think it's something to be fixed. Loss is something to be accepted. It doesn't mean you have to like it, or that all the negative emotions go away. It just means you realize there's nothing to be done, that you still have a life to live, still have others to love and others who love you.

All of this brings me back to how lucky we are. Daddy and I have your two big brothers, and possibly some little siblings to enjoy. I read an article yesterday about parents who lost their baby and cannot have another. I can't imagine the pain of that, or the struggle, and doubt my words here would be much help to them. Or at least, not comforting. Of course, I'm not trying to be comforting. Pragmatic, I guess. Definitely realistic.

Life is not meant to be lived in pain and sadness. I lived that way for so many years. I struggled through clinical depression and won. I felt loneliness cut deep even when I was with people who were supposed to be my family. Then I decided enough was enough and left it all behind to be criticized as I moved through it - another type of hurt.

Having lived through all that taught me so much about pain and grief, and how to find the silver lining, how to smile through it all and find something to be happy about. That's basically where we are now, I think. Even though we're sad, we're still happy.

I love you, baby girl.

Mommy.