Hiding

Dear Analin,

I know it's been a long time. I've been writing letters in my head, but they haven't made it to here for many reasons. One, and perhaps the most important, has been that I've just wanted to withdraw from the outer world. We've also been super busy, so there have been a lot of excuses to stay away.

Oh, the year has been tough. Sebastian's second birthday. Mother's day. Daddy got me two handmade owl notebooks from you with metal owls decorating the front. A wedding too similar to the one we'd been at the day we lost you, the day before you were born. My cousin's baby shower for her little girl - I only managed five minutes and yelled at Mimi because she asked me why I had to leave. Joshua's fifth birthday. Father's day. Family visits. Each broke my heart because you weren't there. Then there were the baby girls born to very deserving parents, but I can't escape the feeling it isn't fair.

I've been hiding, I admit. I haven't been online. I haven't blogged or checked my email often. I've stayed off social networking - some completely, others just a little less often. I don't want to hear sad news, or happy news. I like things being pretty even emotionally right now. But I know I can't hide forever, that I need to come out at some point and figure out the world again. I've forced myself out to some social events, but I'm terrified, always terrified, of the something that never comes, or rarely does, that makes it impossible for me to stay.

I'm thinking of ways to step out again without falling into the traps I'd walked into before. I'm starting to get a firm grasp on my priorities and I don't want to muddle them up again. I'm starting to be a little bit stronger in defending my choices when it comes to my priorities. All good things, things that came from losing you. That silver lining doesn't always shine, though, does it?

It will be nice when this year of firsts is over. Nice and shattering all on it's own. Bittersweet doesn't even start to cover it. But that heartbreak is for a different day. I have plenty enough that come with today to start borrowing from tomorrow.

I hope to start writing more now. I was asked by someone not to stop. I never really intended to stop. The letters just got lost in the shuffle. Here's to a new start, then, one that carries on for quite a bit longer.

Not so long now, then, and I'll be writing you again. All my love, sweet girl.

Mommy.