Re-Introductions

Dear Analin,

I've been reminded lately about a blogging challenge somewhere out there where we're meant to re-introduce ourselves. It's in part for new followers of the blog and in part to help reconnect us to those we've known for a while.

I'm beginning to feel like I need to re-introduce myself to the people in my every day life. I've written before how losing you has made me really look at myself. I've become more opinionated - not because I never had opinions, but because I was more content to keep them to myself before. I've become bolder - reaching out to people where I usually keep to myself.

For example, we were at Cedar Point this past weekend and I saw a man with a baby footprint tattoo and a name on his forearm. I asked him if he'd lost a baby, and he said no, it was his little girl's footprint. He has his other daughter's on the other arm. I told him it was beautiful and apologized. We'd lost a baby recently, so that's why I'd gone there. There was no conversation after that. I kept waiting for the embarrassed feeling I usually get for chatting with a stranger and feeling like I overstepped, but I didn't. I wasn't embarrassed for reaching out, or even for talking briefly about our loss. It was just something I needed to do in that moment, and it was fine.

I've been a bit more aggressive with people these days, too. I'm not willing to put up with as much as I used to, such as when I feel taken advantage of, or more specifically, when I feel others I care about are being taken advantage of.

Heck, forget re-introducing myself to others. Sometimes when I look in the mirror and think about these changes, I don't really recognize myself.

Self empowerment, maybe. Maybe a touch of desperation. In ways, I'm proud of myself and I like it. In others, some of these tendencies are so outside my comfort zone I feel the need to stop myself and ask what it is I'm really doing, and what am I doing it for?

So far, no harm has come from it. I hope these changes settle down and settle in without taking me too far away from myself. Or rather, help me become a stronger and more steady form of myself. That would be nice. Being able to say no and mean it, being able to stand up for myself even when doing so might 'rock the boat' unnecessarily, these are things I think I could do more with. Perhaps your loss has given me the key to being able to find it.

Life happens, of course, and changes do as well. I guess your loss was just so big and these changes are so sudden ... it's all a shock. Some days I think I'm still in shock. Others, I know I am. I am sure it will all settle in. When and how are the questions.

Oh, but I miss you. <3 All these silly and not-so silly thoughts and it comes down to missing you. I know that won't change even with everything else going crazy.

Forever, Love.

Mommy.