Saturday, September 27, 2014
Monday, September 8, 2014
Not for the Faint of Heart
October needs to be done.
I'm tired of these firsts. Part of me thinks the seconds are going to be harder, despite what 'they' all say, because I was ready for the firsts. Well, not all of them.
I wasn't ready for my family to tell my niece she could only talk about Analin in certain situations, even though it wouldn't have been a problem had Analin lived. My niece hasn't talked about her much, since.
I wasn't ready for when someone offered me photos of the sky lanterns we let off at the Memorial, but they weren't sure I wanted them because it had been so long. I could only reply that two days prior would have been her eight month birthday as I stared at their few months old son.
I wasn't ready for the world to be so willing and able to keep my baby a secret, despite the fact that so many women have lost.
I wasn't ready for not knowing what to say to my best friend about her loss, even though our losses were just a few weeks apart.
I wasn't ready for the anger I felt at my best friends' daughter's birthday party when I was the only one who wrote the lost baby a card, who (besides the parents) seemed to remember there were supposed to be two.
All birthday parties were hard, regardless of the birthday person's age. My daughter would never have one of those.
I'm so angry the doctors have 'decided' what happened to my baby despite the fact there was no proof, but the 'decision' is to protect any future pregnancies I might have, so it seems so foolish to feel that way.
I can't stand when someone says they wish babies would just stay little. I have that, and wish with all my being she would have grown up instead.
I'm fed up with not writing on this blog just because I don't want to hurt someone's feelings because of how they inadvertently hurt me.
I have an entire future ahead of me, one child short.
My life is not hard. I am not debilitated by Analin's loss. I understand and accept there was nothing I could do about it, and there is nothing I can do about it but carry the pain with me day after day after day. People 'help' with words barbed in ways they simply can't understand.
This is not for the faint of heart. October just has to end. Then I can let you know about the rest.
Dear Analin,
I'm really tired, baby. Maybe I'll be better in a month or so. I love you so very, very much.
Your Mommy.
<3
I'm tired of these firsts. Part of me thinks the seconds are going to be harder, despite what 'they' all say, because I was ready for the firsts. Well, not all of them.
I wasn't ready for my family to tell my niece she could only talk about Analin in certain situations, even though it wouldn't have been a problem had Analin lived. My niece hasn't talked about her much, since.
I wasn't ready for when someone offered me photos of the sky lanterns we let off at the Memorial, but they weren't sure I wanted them because it had been so long. I could only reply that two days prior would have been her eight month birthday as I stared at their few months old son.
I wasn't ready for the world to be so willing and able to keep my baby a secret, despite the fact that so many women have lost.
I wasn't ready for not knowing what to say to my best friend about her loss, even though our losses were just a few weeks apart.
I wasn't ready for the anger I felt at my best friends' daughter's birthday party when I was the only one who wrote the lost baby a card, who (besides the parents) seemed to remember there were supposed to be two.
All birthday parties were hard, regardless of the birthday person's age. My daughter would never have one of those.
I'm so angry the doctors have 'decided' what happened to my baby despite the fact there was no proof, but the 'decision' is to protect any future pregnancies I might have, so it seems so foolish to feel that way.
I can't stand when someone says they wish babies would just stay little. I have that, and wish with all my being she would have grown up instead.
I'm fed up with not writing on this blog just because I don't want to hurt someone's feelings because of how they inadvertently hurt me.
I have an entire future ahead of me, one child short.
My life is not hard. I am not debilitated by Analin's loss. I understand and accept there was nothing I could do about it, and there is nothing I can do about it but carry the pain with me day after day after day. People 'help' with words barbed in ways they simply can't understand.
This is not for the faint of heart. October just has to end. Then I can let you know about the rest.
Dear Analin,
I'm really tired, baby. Maybe I'll be better in a month or so. I love you so very, very much.
Your Mommy.
<3
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