Your Box

Dear Analin,

There's been a debate about what to do with your things. I still have them, two years later. I even dug out some of the neutral things and the toys to use for Benjamin, but there are still so many frills and ruffles and owls and pink in a box we keep in the attic, things unique to you.

At first, I hoped we would use it for a little sister. Then I thought we might donate it to someone in need, or a women's shelter. Yet, I couldn't bring myself to make the arrangements. I kept thinking one day I would be able to do it. I'm not sure there's ever a 'ready' for something like that. They aren't just clothes, they are possibilities lost, and I'm not willing to let them go.

Randomly I ask your daddy what he thinks. Neither of us ever had an answer that satisfied us. Until this weekend.

There's no ready. I am not willing to let go of the few things I had for you. That's all there is to it.

We will not be getting rid of your box. It goes against my usual opinion of not holding on to things we don't use or need, but I do need that box. It's a comfort item, something I can control in this out of control situation. Yet, it won't just sit there forever, or so we hope.

We hope, one day, you will have a beautiful niece who will look amazing in frills and ruffles and owls and pink. For your niece, we'll keep these things as I'm not keeping the same things from your brothers. All I have from them is a custom made tux onsie only Joshua ever had the chance to wear for daddy and my wedding. But I have your brothers. There's the difference.

Things shouldn't matter, but these do and instead of try to find a work-around, I'm going to embrace my attachment to them this time. And I'll cry bittersweet tears of happiness when I gift your box to one of your brothers because even though you never got to wear these things, a beautiful girl I love will get to.

Forever yours,

Mommy.