Humbled

Dear Analin,

Your big brothers love your little brother so much. They hug my belly, kiss it, talk to the baby through it. Sebastian is convinced he can only be heard through my belly button and directs all his words there. Joshua will pretend he wants a hug or kiss from me, then duck away at the last second to bestow the hug and kiss onto my belly. He presses his mouth against my skin and growls against the baby, his own favorite noise from when he was born.

The other day we were cuddling on the couch, Joshua caressed my belly and whispered, "I love you so much, baby brother."

How I didn't cry, I do not know.

All of this love, unconditional and unharnessed from the boy who hid under a blanket for 2 days after we lost you. These words from the boy who told me he didn't want a baby any more because this one wasn't a girl. The hugs and kisses from the boy who didn't want to go to any more ultrasounds unless there was a chance boy might change to girl.

Now he's picking out silly names for the baby. He's pushing me to do things faster, like set up the crib, put together the mobile, wash his clothes, get his toys ready. And I can't do a single one of those things without him there to help and supervise.

Sebastian helps and loves and supervises as well, but he doesn't remember, not like Joshua.

Here I am, worrying about all the different things. I need to switch my blood thinning shots in case I go into labor early. I won't, but it's a smaller worry. I want a specific type of bouncer because the one I had broke, but it's so expensive new and cheaper used but the ones I find being sold are too far away. I found one at a second-hand shop, one more small worry checked off.

The small worries keep my mind off the bigger one, the one that reminds me even though this baby is being induced somewhat early, he's being induced at 38 weeks and 1 day, three days after you passed in your own time.

How I wish I could be like Joshua, my six year old, first born. Broken hearted from your loss, missing the sister he'd hoped and prayed for, but so in love with this little boy on the way that none of that matters. He humbles me and I envy him because I know there's very little chance I'll be able to copy him. I'm just so happy he hasn't caught on to my own stress to let it affect him. Perhaps these little, distracting worries have helped with that, too, telling him it's these things I'm worried about, and not this new life.

Whatever it is, I'm thankful for it. I'm grateful for his reminder that love is there and can be greater than the fear if we let it be. He helps me breathe a little easier and bond a little deeper with the mover and shaker on his way as he forges his own connection between their hearts and shows Sebastian how to do the same.

My kids are awesome. I'm such a proud Mommy of all of you. You, as well, for teaching us how precious life is and to take each moment we can to learn each other, no matter how close or far we happen to be.

Thank you for being such a great big sister. I love you, beautiful Analin.

Mommy.