Getting Ready

Dear Analin,

I don't know exactly when excitement turned into fear and sadness, but I almost cried on the way home today. I've been in bed most of the day since. And all I did was buy some things second hand.

Last night I found a post with two of our big things plus some little things for the cost of one of those big things. Within an hour, I had the meet and greet set up for today, got the cash ready and did a little dance for happy deals.

I just do not know when it happened. Even looking back, I don't know for sure. Your brothers were being challenging this morning so I was focused on keeping them on task and out of each other's hair without losing my own. I had set up the meet at a fireworks shop and thought to grab a few sky lanterns while we were there. The boys behaved. They had heart-shaped and American flag and colored lanterns and Joshua was excited for all of them.

When we walked out with our new lanterns, the other Mom was there, toddler in the car, new belly growing just like mine, ready to unload her old stuff into our car. We chatted a minute about the items, she showed me how a few pieces worked and had even thrown in a few smaller things into the deal since I was getting so much and she just wanted it gone.

Price paid, car loaded, your brothers back in the car. I rolled the windows down for the drive, a novelty for them, and they actually laughed and played for the first time that day.

A dry sob burst out half way home.

The boys stopped to ask me what was wrong. When I didn't answer, they went back to playing.

I didn't like the stuff. It was second hand, dusty, dirty, and I'd just spent a lot of money on it.

Except, I loved the stuff for the price we paid and it was in great condition after only one kiddo's use, just dusty from storage from a Mom who'd had a boy and was clearing that stuff out for her baby-girl-on-the-way.

Maybe that was the moment, when I realized what she was doing and why. Maybe the moment happened during the lanterns, or sometime before or sometime after, when money exchanged for things bought for a baby who hasn't been born yet and who I now know may never get to use those things.

Whenever the moment happened, it was about all of that and more.

I have a box of your stuff in the attic you will never use. Why the hell did I just spend so much money for this baby?

Okay, logic time. Do I expect this baby to make it? Yes. Do I expect this baby to need things? Yes. Will he care if things are new or previously loved? Not a chance. Will this stuff make my life easier? Yes. If the worst does happen, am I stuck with it? Only if I choose to be.

He's moving around now as if to tell me it's just a few more weeks.

I really, really wish that meant something that wasn't shadowed with dread.

I'm not going to stop moving forward. We have this stuff now, a baby shower scheduled a month before his due date, a list of names we may throw out at the last minute or choose from after all once he's born.

I just wish I knew what we were getting ready for. Even a when might help, but the doctors aren't committing to an early delivery. All our tests are still perfect, still showing proper progress.

So were yours.

I'm going crazy with worry and sadness. I'm breathing through it and using logic to work through it but come on. There is no preparing for this. There's just the jump and then the experience of it, survived in any way we can survive it.

31 weeks yesterday. We lost you two days before week 38. These next few months are going to be tortuous. I pray so very, very hard that in two months, none of this even matters and is lost in joy.

I'll be okay. I've always known I'd be okay, even when they told me you'd be gone. But life is something we experience, not something we skim through.

Here's to the experience.

I love you like crazy, Analin. I can't wait to send off one of those heart-shaped lanterns to you. <3

Love,

Mommy.