Coping

Dear Analin,

This is trickier than I thought it would be. Your mommy is a bit long winded, you see, when it comes to writing. When it comes to writing my book about you, that's fine. And, of course, there's so much to tell. Letters here, though ... it's more personal, in a way, even though they're similar formats.

I miss you. Every day. It's so very hard to have you on a shelf in a box, beautiful as it is, rather than in my arms. You were more beautiful. We've started putting owls around the house as our reminder - not the nursery owls that would have been in your room, but ones that fit into our daily lives. I've started to think about them a bit as guardians, hopefully ones that bring wisdom. I think we need that kind of guidance going through this.

We get so angry at times at other people and God and Fate and each other, but we should try not to. It's hard, though, because these emotions are so negative, they need a place to go. From my own experience, though, taking them out on others just makes me hurt more.

I don't want to be negative or hurt or even be sad about you. I want to smile as much as I can when I think about you. I want to remember the joy you brought us when we found out you were a girl, and remember all the good-natured groaning I did while you grew inside me, and even when I think of what could have been, I want to think of this happy, beautiful little girl sending laughter to my heart.

I can't right now. I'm crying even now as I try to think about it. I hope to get to that point, though. I really, really do. I've met so many people who say the pain doesn't go away, you just learn to live with it. I hope they're wrong, or at least mostly wrong, because this isn't something I think I can feel for the rest of my life. Of course, I'm not the first Mommy who's had to do this. I'll take strength from them. From your brothers, and your daddy for that matter. And in that way, you can still be a part of bringing us closer together.

All right, my sweet. That quick I've hit my limit for the day. I love you like crazy.


Mommy.